Dear Need,
Many can boldly tell you that they love you over and over again, but few tell you why they NEED YOU. I had been wrestling with this thought for a while because the idea of leaving, whether it is the thing I want, the space, or the individual I thought I desperately needed, bothered me daily. The thought of being apart made me nauseous, filled with separation anxiety. Yet, trying to comprehend the difference of whether I was being “needy” or knowing that I am “needful” is an interesting conversation to become acquainted with. 
This notion can be overwhelming. It makes me vulnerable because when I am saying I don’t need, I discover that I strongly desire. I used to drive myself crazy and grapple like the Apostle Paul who candidly stated; what I find myself not wanting to do, I do (Romans 7:15).
One part of my life that tempts my struggle of Need vs. Want is in romantic relationships. For all my single sisters and brothers or just conversationalists; there is a question that arises for many: How can you be a good man to a woman that has not enjoyed being “The Man”, yet, has had to be self sufficient most of her life? How can that reality be conveyed to our strong brothers without feeling like either person becomes a pain in the butt or a burden? To even gather the courage to express my emotions, I am feeling utterly exposed or wide open. Nevertheless, I take the risk of being totally honest with myself, and I surrender to God’s will. I look to end the dysfunctional cycle or negative voices that can create turmoil, or the haunting that offers the temptation to launch into the deep rivers of our Soul. I avoid the inner parts of my insecurity, beyond financial frustrations, fears in fatherhood or motherhood, singleness, and the cost of what leadership commands or what fellowship demands.
I dare to cast my net before God and to all who dare to hear beyond the words and hear the heart. I declare that the hurdles of love are worth it. I jump through the questions, engage in courageous conversations and dialogues, pray to the quiet and, Wait in the stillness throughout the night. I search within myself to findwhat I truly NEED, and not solely what I want in the moment. This takes work, but the work is WORTH IT! The hard work even in thought or theory is worth the Journey. If we just embrace each day, and get to know each other even in the midst of discomfort, we, God’s creations, will eventually find connection. We will not just be comfort or care or warm expressions, embraces, or experiences for one another. We won’t enter into convenience or settling. Instead, we will demonstrate the behavior of Christ, both for others, and for ourselves.
While saying “I want or desire you” isn’t hard yet, saying “I need you” is a more difficult notion. It doesn’t make me weak, needy, selfish, or vulnerable. It makes me a real human being, an organism of God’s creation created to be loved and to love others. Therefore, I choose to Love, Want, and Need because God’s Love is in me, thru me, and around me. It is growing beyond what I thought capable and heading beyond capacity. As a creation of God, I must continuously do the work to keep an open heart and mind, so that I can continue to CHOOSE love, to CHOOSE want, and to CHOOSE need. This is why, every day, I keep on turning to the pages of wisdom, and stay engulfed in forgiveness and grace. I read the parables of possibilities over and over again. I continue to try, even when my flesh wants to quit or remain stagnant and private. I chronically pray and praise, so that HIS Presence is never void. Because the whisper of that still small voice beckons me to go higher, and continues to grow wiser and self-aware because of HIM. His strength holds me close to His image, and will be the one thing that I always need.
Signed,
Love Beyond Capacity 